Who am I to be blue?

Who
Who am I to be blue?
Look at my family and fortune
Look at my friends and my house

Who
Who am I to feel deadend?
Who am I to feel spent?
Look at my health and my money

And where
Where do I go to feel good?
Why do I still look outside me?
When clearly I’ve seen it won’t work

Is it my calling to keep on when I’m unable?
And is it my job to be selfless extraordinary?
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer

And why
Why do I feel so ungrateful?
Me who is far beyond survival
Me who see life as an oyster

Is it my calling to keep on when I’m unable?
And is it my job to be selfless extraodinary?
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer

And how
How dare I rest on my laurels?
How dare I ignore an outstretched hand?
How dare I ignore a third world country?

Is it my calling to keep on when I’m unable?
And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairy?
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer

(extracts from Offer, Alanis Morissette)

Merci

Il n'y a pas autre chose a dire.
Ma vie....ma vie avec mes petits....

Mon Ami

On entend souvent ce terme
que seul un bon couer sème
c'est un espoir
et un amour de l'avoir
on dit toujours, ahhh, mes amis...
mais on sait pas vraiment quoi ce terme veut dire
un ami on l'aimerais pour la vie
qu'il soit près de nous
tout les jours meme quand on est fou
et etre les deux la fou de vie
un ami a qui l'on dit
q'on sera la pour la vie
toujours la pour l'aider
toujours la pour l'apprecier
un ami pour qui on ferait un peu n'importe quoi
sans penser a soi
un ami qui compte plus que tout
et qui ma vie change pour etre pres de moi.
Merci mon ami Dany,JTM

Outra vez

Você foi,
O maior dos meus casos
De todos os abraços
O que eu nunca esqueci
Você foi!
Dos amores que eu tive
O mais complicado
E o mais simples prá mim...

Você foi,
O melhor dos meus êrros
A mais estranha história
Que alguém já escreveu
E é por essas e outras
Que a minha saudade
Faz lembrar
De tudo outra vez...

Você foi,
A mentira sincera
Brincadeira mais séria
Que me aconteceu
Você foi!
O caso mais antigo
O amor mais amigo
Que me apareceu...

Das lembranças
Que eu trago na vida
Você é a saudade
Que eu gosto de ter
Só assim!
Sinto você bem perto de mim
Outra vez...

(extracts from Outra Vez, Roberto Carlos)

The bond

Ian's hand to mine, August 2002.
No words for the bond we have,my beloved son.

Captain's log

Looking back....
Life is all about believing...
I believe...I am determined to achieve what I want...
I don't complain, whine or cry for the sake of showing to people how miserable I could be..
I would rather stand up and do something out of my life.
And I did.
I remember when I heard your beliefs about our relationship, years ago.
You always believed it wouldn't work.
So how was I supposed to fight it?
How was I supposed to make it work?
Looking back I see now. Everything I believed I could make happen, I did.
Everything I believed I couldn't, I did not.
I am so sorry all my energy and dedication were not enough for you to believe.
I am sure, and so unfortunately sure, that you will believe me, but sadly late that will be.
Just hope you can believe one day that a plus can be on your life, just because life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.
Welcome to the real life.

(extracts from Beautiful Boy - John Lennon)

The Tattoo

I've decided to have a second tattoo, une fleur de lys.
At this year end, with so many gifts from life, this year has been an upward curve.
Starting with a job I hated and with the end of a long relationship to end it up with my family and true love around me, I realize now I have so much to thank Quebec for.
Québec has to be not only under my skin but it must be showing on my skin.
Tattoos are forever. A fleur de lys is forever.
A tattoo has many meanings but I still have to teach the dragon I have in my left arm to scare freaks like the ones I had in the past, away from me.
I may end up having two tattoos but I still have too many scars from the cuts that were left unhealed in the course of this year.
They will not last as long as my tattoos, but they will still be there for quite a while.

Keep it simple

At work, when implementing systems, designing them, sizing the hardware, training users, etc they say, keep it simple.
When it comes to relationships, they say, keep it simple...
These days these words have been chasing me quite frequently...
Maybe there is a reason for that.
I just have to look around,
I had the chance to have the most pure love raining on me from my two little boys.
I had the chance to realize the person I am.
I had the chance to wake up and smell the coffee.
I had a nightmare and I could wake up.
I have a big plus on my days, I always had.
I don't understand why we spend our energy with people that are just not worth it.
I feel quite bad when I remember how I underestimated the real me by begging for things I had enough for those who simply could not offer me anything just for not having anything to offer.
I look around and see how pathetic life can be to those people.
Pretending to be happy in their so little freaky world of arrogant self-centered opinions and judgments, and from the top of your tiny little mountain you see the real world from down there. Just keep going, cause life can be really ironic and it usually has no mercy or sense of humor when it comes to those throwing their opportunities in the garbage.
Looking at my life, so plenty of blessings, yes, I realize, I will keep it simple and the complicated mistakes I've made were simply done by a sorely mistaken version of myself.
No more time to please anyone, 'bout time to please myself.
Simple,huh?
And I will keep it like that.

Goodbye my friend

These days I couldn't help but thinking about water and love.
You may think they have nothing to do with each other but I have news for you, they have a lot in common.
Love and water flow naturally.
Love and water are absolutely critical for life but they can kill you as well.
Love and water, to be good, should be transparent, cristal clear.
But the difference is
While water to be good should have no smell and be tasteless
Love should taste good and smell good

I've tried a love that tasted,smelled and looked incredible good.
I will keep that love forever,
that is the water I need for life

Crossing the bridge back thru the river we had between us, is going to take me somewhere else,far from you, with someone else, but

All the taste will still be there
and the smell
all it takes for me to feel it, is to take a breath
Goodbye my lover,
goodbye my friend
you've been the one
you've been the one for me
I'm so hollow....

(extracts from Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt)

Just watch me burn!

Now I can tell you about success, about fame
About the rise and the fall of all the stars in the sky
Don't it make you smile
Now I can tell you about the place I belong
You know it won't last long
And all those lights they will turn down
Now I can see things for what they really are
I guess I'm not that far
I'm at the point of no return
Just watch me burn

Let it will be
Just let it be
Oh let it be

Anyone can see
Let it will be

Just watch me burn
Oh let it be
Just let it be
Won't you let it be

Extracts from Let it will be - Madonna

Long Island Ice Tea

Having this long island iced tea here in this cute restaurant in Ottawa,I couldn't help but thinking about islands.We have Manhattan,Montreal,Santos.Born in an island,raised in an island and living in an island could have turned me into an island of my own.Wonder why lots of Montrealers or Manhattanians feel like never crossing the bridges.The bridges are there to be the link but it is up to us to find our way to cross them.How to cross a bridge that is not supposed to be there?It looks like those visions and then you step on it and fall for they are not real.Bridges are made of committments.They link our isolated fears and thoughts to challenges that will push us to move on with our lives.What if a committment was done and you simply chosed the other way?What if I took the tunnel while the bridge was just standing there?

Toujours?

J'ai vraiment la misere a comprendre que est-ce qu'on cherche dans la vie.
Mais,je pense aussi que la stabilité est le bout de toutes les relations.
Une fois, mon ex m'a dit qu'on avait eu pas d'amour entre nous encore,mais que la stabilité etait la plus fort raison qui avait nous attiré et maintenu ensemble.
La,je me pose la question,que est-ce que je cherche?
Alors, c'est bien claire quoi je cherche l'amour mais aussi la stabilité.
La question est: pourquoi on a tellement peur de manquer la stabilité dans notre vie?
La mauvaise nouvelle est que il y a rien de stable dans la vie,rien.
Pis,on doit chercher les vrais raisons pour avoir quelq'un dans sa vie.
Il faut faire confiance a la vie, a toi meme et a ton coeur.
Une relation peut pas exister a raison du peur d'etre seul.
Une relation doit exister pour realiser tes reves.
La stabilité restera alors dans ton coeur.
En attendant la stabilité, je regarde l'horizon...

La vie est compliquée?Ben non!

Je voulais dire...

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet to kill. You can even chose the red pill or the blue pill...
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
We should spend some time with our loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
We should say a kind word to someone who looks up to us in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave our side
We should give a warm hug to the one next to us, because that is the only treasure we can give with our heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
We should say, "I love you" to our partner and our loved ones, but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of us.
We should hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak!
And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind,the way I do, in this blog, because the only legacy in life is who you were and the difference your thoughts would make to this world.

I will dedicate this posting to my beloved Québec, the place I've learned to love simple things and the place where I faced my fears and found the bravest myself.
Merci mon Québec pour me montrer que la vie peut etre tellement belle.

Encore,chui vivant

Last week I had a hard time understanding some things life was offering me.
Then I reacted playing the hard and spoiled boy role...run away,slam the door and just be in my nook.
Then,a message, a couple of words, precisely a single word I wasn't used to read or hear changed everything: 'sorry'.
Reading that I recalled my mother.She used to say that we would always know when someone would be really sorry or not,so it would be easy to know when that would be for real.
I took my chances.
I had a wonderful time.A time to rest, to discover the new, to make myself ready for my life.
I liked the person I was these days. Simple and happy.
J'ai beaucoup a aprendre dans ma vie,mais avec les anges qui viennent dans ma vie, les defis qui sont la deviennent encore plus faciles a vivre.
Une simple mot pour mon fin de semaine: MERCI

More of the same

Life has been quite like a revolving door or like a merry-go-round with no happy dad waiting for you while you turn.
Why kids are so fascinated by merry-go-rounds?
You see things again and again,same things.
If you look to the wood horse you are riding you see a steady world and you feel like a warrior, but when you look ahead you keep seeing the same, that is, the real world.
Then the merry-go-round stops and you won't believe you have to buy another token to go back there and see things all over again.
Life can give you that repetitive desilusion for free.
Maybe it is time to try the pinball machine and recognize I am too old for merry-go-rounds...

Mirror,mirror

Today, I understand the moulds and beliefs that were part of my growth to adulthood. I recognize how they influenced my adult decision-making processes and my relationships. Much of my acquired knowledge was wrong, which resulted in poor choices and unhappiness in my life. I have taken the time to examine these moulds and beliefs that were passed down to me. In all honesty, as a result of this examination, I have discarded about 95% of this inherited knowledge over the past several years. There is an old expression, "Out with the old; in with the new." I have reshaped my own moulds and beliefs to better serve me. They allow me to make better choices for myself that are not based on the influences of others. Today, I express my true individuality-who I really am, and not whom others felt I should be. How wonderful it is to stand in front of a mirror and recognize your true reflection, instead of someone else's reflection.
Droping the mirror and grabing that beer, I looked at you,and saw that even hockey games can show true love is there....:o)

Star light,start bright...first star I see tonight...

I remember that night in Old Montreal when sitting by that bench we looked at the sky and there was only one star up there...
What is the use of a sky full of stars if we have each other?
One star was enough to make that night unforgettable.

And then,under that rock I've found it.....

Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.
The funny thing is that love is like a butterfly, the more you pursue it the more it eludes you, but if you are calm and still it will land on you shoulder.
So don't run screaming and running,because it is just a butterfly and it is there to stay.

Message in a bottle

Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.
Some are not. When I think about people that are not here anymore, I guess I feel like I missed the opportunity to say how much they meant to me or to be in their lives what I could have been.
Remembered my granparents, my father, and people that may be gone but somehow alive, playing dead.
I could have stayed longer with my grandmother, played Monopoly many more times with my father or just simply avoided mistakes.
But it is ok, my life veered off course and here I am, more mature, with two beautiful and lovely kids in this amazing island with this message in a bottle.

Washing off

I was leaving the office when I realized it was raining....
Not that strong so a couple of blocks to my house would not kill me...
So then, when it was too late to come back,the rain became quite heavy.
After using all the curse words I know in french and english,I decide to let the rain wash me out and wash off what I wanted to leave behind.
It took me to the point of having even my underwears wet, but when I got home I was clean, feeling brand new.....

J for Joy

Later that day I got to thinking about the joy of being part of someone's life and history.
That's the real legacy we have in this life.
It took me a long run to realize who the f* I am.Now I am sure.
I'm replacing the F for Fear for by the J for Joy.

Then I found that little black box full of dreams in the back of my drawers...
The box is open....

F for fun or F for fear?

I had a fool's confidence
That the world had no boundaries
But instincts and common sense
Come in different quantities

extract from Sally's Pigeons - Cyndi Lauper

My mind...

"The mind, once stretched by an empowering idea,
can never fully shrink to its original dimensions."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Paix

L'Éternel est mon berger: je ne manquerai de rien.
Il me fait reposer dans de verts pâturages, Il me dirige près des eaux paisibles.
Il restaure mon âme, Il me conduit dans les sentiers de la justice, A cause de son nom.
Quand je marche dans la vallée de l'ombre de la mort, Je ne crains aucun mal, car tu es avec moi: Ta houlette et ton bâton me rassurent.
Tu dresses devant moi une table, En face de mes adversaires; Tu oins d'huile ma tête, Et ma coupe déborde.
Oui, le bonheur et la grâce m'accompagneront Tous les jours de ma vie, Et j'habiterai dans la maison de l'Éternel Jusqu'à la fin de mes jours.

:o)

C'est quoi ça?

I still have a hard time understanding how love can turn into nothing so fast.
The dilemma is: Should I be frustrated for that?Or should I believe it was not love and so be frustrated for this?
Anyway, frustration is meeting me for lunch, for the coffee break, for dinner....

The lost key,then

That's the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like. It's true of the fall lines, and it's true of relationships.

The missing page

That night I got to thinking about turning pages in my life.
Funny the way things become precious when we look behind and can see them from a different perspective.
In my life for something to be nice all is needed is for this to be in the past.
I even miss what I did last month...
Why is that?
Well, no reason actually, for when I look ahead now, I like what I see.
Tough to look at yourself in the mirror and realize who you are. But you can do it.
You should at least try it.
When I tried to turn the page on you, you came with your thoughts and I kinda ripped off the page out of my book of life.
Now I realize, that page is not there.
When I opened my window this morning, I took a deep breath and for the first time I could see that missing page, going with the cold wind that was blowing to my face.
As I saw that missing page flying from me, I felt good, for once.
My book has now lots of written and blank pages and they kind of make a heluva sense now, without that missing page you wrote.

Pour toi

Le plus belle chanson que j'ai ecouté ici au Québec

Quand je pense à hier
Quand je pense à demain
Quand je ferme mes yeux
Jusqu’au petit matin
Quand je couche mon corps
Tête pointant le nord
Et que je sens mon dos
Rappelant le troupeau

Quand les funérailles de ballet
Là où les gens bâillent en anglais
Font que même la vieillesse, empreinte de paresse,
Finit par doubler le masque d’Orphée

Quand l’hypocrisie est de mise
Entre la peau et la chemise
Que la rivière coule
Et que tout déboule
Malgré le sang et les dents qui cassent

Non, je ne parlerai pas
Non, je ne parlerai pas

Car il y a une rivière
Qui a poussé entre nous
Même si la terre toute entière ferme les yeux et s’en fout
Et si un jour tu y plonges
Moi, j’y plongerai avec toi
Pour noyer dans la pénombre
La grandeur de nos ébats

Et si la terre tout entière
Se met à rire de nous
Nous leur lancerons des pierres
Pour grafigner nos genoux
Mais non jamais, mais oui je sais
Que je ne parlerai pas
Bouche gelée jusqu’à ce que nos deux corps soient enterrés

Alors non, je ne parlerai pas
Non, je ne parlerai pas

Pour toutes les grand-mères de la terre
Celles qui partiront dans le vent
Celles qui partiront pour la guerre
Armées d’enfants
J’ai rongé les sabots de l’âme
Pour oublier que l’on oublie
Toutes ces obscénités qu’on a préarrangées
Que même un pape outré ne pourrait condamner


Alors non, je ne parlerai pas
Non, je ne parlerai pas.

(Pointant Le Nord - Pierre Lapointe)

Do you believe I believe you don't believe it?

Later that day I got to thinking about why I feel like not able to get involved anymore the way I felt I should.
One word: Fear
Two persons
Two times I believed in love and I was mistaken.
A third time?
Not in this life....
I turned into an Energizer battery, I just keep going and going,and going...
My battery is running low....
For love, I feel like not recharging it....not anymore.
Just not worth it...
I will spend the rest of my energy with the dreams I have left...
The ones these two persons managed not to kill....

La vie en rose....

Few minutes ago looking for something in my drawers I found myself touching one of the most precious things I have...
A small box touching anyone's curiosity to play the only song that can instantly make me cry....la vie en rose....
If people could see thru, they would not have to protect themselves for being hurt.
Hearts do not change, and mine is here, as always.

Are you ready to jump?

There’s only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

I haven’t got much time to waste, it’s time to make my way
I’m not afraid of what I’ll face, but I’m afraid to stay
I’m going down my own road and I can make it alone
I'll work and I'll fight, Till I find a place of my own

Are you ready to jump?
Get ready to jump
Don’t ever look back, oh baby,
Yes, I’m ready to jump
Just take my hands
Get ready to jump

We learned our lesson from the start, my sisters and me
The only thing you can depend on is your family
And life’s gonna drop you down like the limbs of a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see

Are you ready to jump?
Get ready to jump
Don’t ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I’m ready to jump
Just take my hands

Are you ready?
I am not waiting anymore, no more time to waste
I can make it alone

I can't make it alone,but with the ones I love

(extracts from Jump - Madonna)

Saudade

" Em alguma outra vida, devemos ter feito algo de
muito grave, para sentirmos tanta saudade..."

Trancar o dedo numa porta dói. Bater com o queixo
no chão dói. Torcer o tornozelo dói. Um tapa, um soco, um pontapé,
doem.Dói bater a cabeça na quina da mesa, dói morder a língua,
dói cólica, cárie e pedra no rim.

Mas o que mais dói é a saudade. Saudade de uma irmã que mora longe.
Saudade de uma cachoeira da infância.
Saudade do gosto de uma fruta que não se encontra mais.
Saudade do pai que morreu, do amigo imaginário que nunca existiu.
Saudade de uma cidade.
Saudade da gente mesmo, que o tempo não perdoa.

Doem essas saudades todas.
Mas a saudade mais dolorida é a saudade de quem se ama.
Saudade da pele, do cheiro, dos beijos.

Saudade da presença, e até da ausência consentida.
Você podia ficar na sala e ele no quarto, sem se verem, mas sabiam-se lá.
Você podia ir para o dentista e ele para a faculdade, mas sabiam-se onde.

Você podia ficar o dia sem vê-lo, ele o dia sem vê-lo, mas sabiam-se amanhã.

Contudo, quando o amor de um acaba, ou torna-se menor, ao outro sobra uma
saudade que ninguém sabe como deter. Saudade é basicamente não saber.
Não saber mais se ele continua fungando num ambiente mais frio.

Não saber se ele continua sem fazer a barba por causa
daquela alergia.
Não saber se ele ainda usa aquela camiseta velha.

Não saber se ele foi na consulta com o dermatologista como prometeu.

Não saber se ele tem comido bem por causa daquela
mania de estar sempre ocupado,
se ele aprendeu a estacionar entre dois carros, se ele continua
preferindo Malzebier, se ele ainda lembra de voce quando toma cha gelado,
se ele continua sorrindo

com aqueles olhinhos apertados, se ele continua dançando
daquele jeitinho enlouquecedor, se ele continua escrevendo cartoes, se ele continua detestando o MC Donald's,
se ele continua amando, se ele continua a gostar dos mesmos filmes. Se ele chorou naquele filme novo que te fez chorar...

Saudade é não saber mesmo! Não saber o que fazer com os dias
que ficaram mais compridos, não saber como encontrar
tarefas que lhe cessem o pensamento, não saber como
frear as lágrimas diante de uma música, não saber como
vencer a dor de um silêncio que nada preenche.

Saudade é não querer saber se ele está com outro,
e ao mesmo tempo querer.

É não saber se ele está feliz, e ao mesmo tempo perguntar a
todos os amigos por isso... É não querer saber se ele está
mais magro, se ele esta mais bonito. Saudade é nunca mais
saber de quem se ama, e ainda assim doer.

Saudade é isso que senti enquanto
estive escrevendo e o que você, provavelmente, está
sentindo agora depois que acabou de ler...


extracts from Saudade - Miguel Falabella

Sans moi

Tu t'en vas sans moi, ma vie.
Tu roules.
Et moi j'attends encore de faire un pas.
Tu portes ailleurs la bataille.
Tu me désertes ainsi.
Je ne t'ai jamais suivie.
Je ne vois pas clair dans tes offres.
Le petit peu que je veux, jamais tu ne l'apportes.
A cause de ce manque, j'aspire à tant.
A tant de choses, à presque l'infini...
A cause de ce peu qui manque, que jamais tu n'apportes.

Alexander

I am a person looking for happiness...
I've forgiven the most unforgivable mistakes
I've tried to replace the unreplaceble and forget the unforgettable
I've done things by impulse
I've been disappointed by people I never thought would disappoint me, but I've disappointed people as well
I've hold you to protect you
I've laughed when I shouldn't
I had eternal friends
I've loved and was loved, but I've also been rejected
I had lovers who I haven't loved
I've jumped and screamed for being happy
I've lived for love and made promises
I've hit the wall many times
I've cried listening to our songs and looking at our pictures
I've called you to listen to your voice
I've fell in love for a smile
I thought I would die when I missed you the most
I've been afraid of losing someone special, and I did

But I've lived and I am still alive, not here by chance
I fight
I'm determined
I hold life with all my strenght and live it passionately
I can take my defeat
and will boudly win
for the world belongs to those who dare and life is too important to be small

Before criticizing, look inside yourself. Who never made a mistake?
I've chosen a love for being afraid to lose it
I've lost love for hiding it
I held hands when I was afraid
I've been so afraid I couldn't even feel my hands
I've thrown people I loved out of my life
and it hurts, regrets...
Spent nights crying till I fell asleep
I've gone to bed so happy I couldn't close my eyes...

I've believed in perfect love
Until I found it doesn't exist
I've loved people who disappointed me
I've disappointed people who loved me
I've spent hours in front of a mirror trying to find out who the hell I am
I've been so sure about what I am that I wanted to vanish
I've lied and felt bad about it
I've told the truth and felt bad as well
I've pretended I didn't care and then I cried for making you feel less
I've laughed when I wanted to cry
I've laughed my ass off
I've believed in the wrong ones
and I didn't believe in the good ones

I missed you and never told you how, only not to make you suffer,
I've yelled when I should be quiet
I didn't say what I meant to please you
and I said what I didn't mean just to hurt you

I fell so many times and I thought I'd never stand up
I stood up so many times so I believed I would never fall again
I've called people my friends and found out they were not
Some others I never called anything and they've been angels in my life

Don't give me recipes for life, for I don't want to be always right
Don't show me what you expect from me, for I want to follow my heart
and surprise you
Don't try to turn me into someone else
Don't invite me to be like anyone else
For I want to be nuts and different

I don't know what love is if it is not gonna be forever
I cannot live lies
I cannot fly if grounded
I am always myself
But surely not the same
For each day I get closer
to that river
where my dreams flow
and you will be
with me
forever

Friends

For too long,longer than I should, I've been too inocent when calling someone a friend.
I saw friends stabbing me by putting on fire a fragile relationship in a moment of crisis.
They've made it, and now they may be happy.
Then when I went to face them to understand why people do this, mostly when they say they are your friends, I heard: I was not your friend.
The question is, should I love or hate myself for being so naive and allowing this kind of abuse to any reasonable thought?
Or should I hate myself for being with someone for that long that could believe these friends than believing me?
Non, pas du tout.
Je pense que je suis chanceux d'avoir pas des amis comme ça dans ma vie et j'ai envie d'etre la pour voir le jour ou ces memes amis vont faire du mal a qui m'a cru pas.

Revenge and forgiveness

A colleague asked me to read his book.
I will and I could see it is about revenge....Alexander, from UK, I promise I will read it and write something about it.

I don't believe in revenge, I believe life takes its course and drives everything to the right place by itself.

Fair enough, being happy is the best revenge.

I have no hard feelings and I thank those who hurted me for now I have a stronger heart and I've learned not to settle for lees than what I need, understanding my value and building a quite solid self-confidence.

My self-confidence allows me to see who I am with my qualities and flaws, recognize my mistakes and be human enough to admit it and just say 'I am sorry'.

Nevertheless, there is a very thin line separating self-confidence from arrogance....and when arrogance comes with conviction that you are the best of breed,always right,etc...that's just an eternal source of sorrow and pain for those who play the ridiculous game of thinking they are too good to forgive...

Voyons donc....it's just sad

Trust Life....

Later that night I heard something on tv and I am not the kind of guy to believe or pay that attention to what tv shows but I could help but overheard something that sounded familiar.
What all of our last partners have in common but yourself?
Why do we insist in picking and keeping relationships we know that won't work?
Funny eh?
So I chosed not do to it anymore.
I did it for all my life.
I have to be fair to myself and to the other part.
Even if I feel needy to hell, I won't settle for nothing less than what I dream of.
And guess what?
Bingo.
Life is so funny and it has a funnier way to come to you with the answers when you seem like you are giving up on looking for them.
The answer came through the eyes of a dreamer I'm becoming,hopefully forever,for good.
'Bout time....

Kevin...

These days I got to thinking that my dreams were gone and found myself feeling kinda adrift in life.
Actually I've been luckier than I think.
All my greatest dreams came true quite early in my life.
But my greatest dream is now 8 years old.
Kevin, you are the best thing that ever happened to me.
You will always be my beloved dream son.
In my most beautiful dreams of becoming a father, I could never dream of a kid like you.
Sweet, lovely and so like me in all senses.
When you were a newborn in that hospital, fighting for your life I was there cheering up every second of your soul brilliance to my existence.
You are my best friend and the translation of love and light to my life.
You are my inspiration, my hope and my faith in life.
Eternity will never be enough for me to thank God for the gift he gave me to send me you as my dream son, my beloved Kevin.
Thank you for being the kid you are and making me realize that my dreams came true.
I love you with all my heart and soul, forever

Fool?Maybe not really...

I felt like a fool I had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings that
I didn’t realize I was standing out there alone.
In a city of infinite options such as Montréal, sometimes there’s no better feeling than knowing you already have one.
If you love alone, at least you love, you're alive.
If I still love you, lucky you.
Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me!

Why mirrors?

I wake up on Sundays,have a look at the mirror and think, who the fuck are you, Mr Alexander???
Later that night I got to thinking about Narcissus, a man so consumed with his own image he drowned in it. Did he have no best friends to mirror back and help him reveal himself? And why is it that we can see our friends perfectly but when it comes to ourselves, no matter how hard we look, do we ever see ourselves clearly?
Nah....

Looking back....

Parece cocaína mas é só tristeza, talvez tua cidade.
Muitos temores nascem do cansaço e da solidão
E o descompasso e o desperdício herdeiros são
Agora da virtude que perdemos.

Há tempos tive um sonho, não me lembro
não me lembro...

Tua tristeza é tão exata
E hoje o dia é tão bonito
Já estamos acostumados
A não termos mais nem isso.

Os sonhos vêm e os sonhos vão
O resto é imperfeito.

Disseste que se tua voz tivesse força igual
À imensa dor que sentes
Teu grito acordaria
Não só a tua casa
Mas a vizinhança inteira.

E há tempos nem os santos têm ao certo
A medida da maldade
Há tempos são os jovens que adoecem
Há tempos o encanto está ausente
E há ferrugem nos sorrisos
E só o acaso estende os braços
A quem procura abrigo e proteção.

Meu amor, disciplina é liberdade
Compaixão é fortaleza
Ter bondade é ter coragem
Ela disse: "Lá em casa tem um poço
mas a água é muito limpa."

(extracts from Ha Tempos, Legiao Urbana , pop rock, Brazil)

Blue is the color of my dreams

Ce n'etait q'un rêve....

Dans un grand jardin enchanté
Tout à coup je me suis retrouvée
Une harpe des violons jouaient
Des anges au ciel me souriaient
Le vent faisait chanter l'été

Je marchais d'un pas si léger
Sur un tapis aux pétales de roses
Une colombe sur mon épaule
Dans chaque main une hirondelle
Des papillons couleurs pastel

Ce n'était qu'un rêve
Ce n'était qu'un rêve
Mais si beau qu'il était vrai
Comme un jour qui se lève
Ce n'était qu'un rêve
Un sourire sur mes lèvres
Un sourire que j'ai gardé
Au-delà de mon rêve

Le soleil et ses rayons d'or
Les fleurs dansaient sur un même accord
Des chevaux blancs avec des ailes
Semblaient vouloir toucher le ciel
Vraiment j'étais au pays des fées

Ce n'était qu'un rêve
Ce n'était qu'un rêve
Mais si beau qu'il était vrai
Comme un jour qui se lève
Ce n'était qu'un rêve
Un sourire sur mes lèvres
Un sourire que j'ai gardé
Au-delà de mon rêve

Ce n'était qu'un rêve
It was only a dream....

(Ce n'etait q'un reve - Celine Dion)

To my father...

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life thats full.
I've traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Essa era a musica que meu pai sempre disse que gostaria de ser lembrado...

Pai,obrigado por ter me dado a vida que eu tenho,por ter me feito o homem que eu sou,por ter me levado comer pasteis todo sabado e estar euforico com revistinhas do Pato Donald,obrigado por me ajudar com minhas roupas,obrigado por preparar meu cafe da manha,obrigado por me ajudar,obrigado por cantar para eu dormir...Obrigado por todo o apoio, por todo o orgulho de ser meu pai, obrigado pelo amor incondicional.Obrigado por ter sido o meu pai nessa vida.Te encontro em breve...

What?Say it again!

In life I think we prentend all the time. The worst thing is to pretend you didn't hear something someone just said.Even for this french can be polite...You can say "what???" with a nice "pardon?".
Pardon my french,my friends, but in the end this is all about pretending you don't hear what is relevant to the others but not to you.
It's like explaining the difference between sashimi and sushi to a naked dancer, you just can't concentrate...

While in Phoenix....

Sitting here having my breakfast in this nice hotel in Phoenix this morning,all dressed up in my best suit I can't help but wonder how funny some things can be.
I know I am a kid dressed like a exec,then here I go with my kiddy thoughts.
First question: who but my employer would pay a daily rate of 249USD a day to be in a place like this to attend meetings where people say what I already know?
No idea.
Second thought is: I've noticed people just coming in and having this amazing breakfast with no one asking you anything. No room number,no nothing.
Next time I'd be starving in Montreal any morning,I'll get all dressed up,go to Hilton and simply have breakfast at the restaurant for free...
Chez Cora?Nooooooooooo,chez Hilton!
Just have to keep the kid disguised on these suits...

Just have to hide that look "daddy I just had a joint" from my face everytime I lie...

Merci...mes yeux bleus...

Je rêve son visage je décline son corps
Et puis je l'imagine habitant mon décor
J'aurais tant à lui dire si j'avais su parler
Comment lui faire lire au fond de mes pensées?

Mais comment font ces autres à qui tout réussit?
Qu'on me dise mes fautes mes chimères aussi
Moi j'offrirais mon âme, mon cœur et tout mon temps
Mais j'ai beau tout donner, tout n'est pas suffisant

J'ai du sang dans mes songes, un pétale séché
Quand des larmes me rongent que d'autres ont versées
La vie n'est pas étanche, mon île est sous le vent
Les portes laissent entrer les cris même en fermant

Dans un jardin l'enfant, sur un balcon des fleurs
Ma vie paisible où j'entends battre tous les cœurs
Quand les nuages foncent, présages des malheurs
Quelles armes répondent aux pays de nos peurs?

S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Si l'on pouvait changer les choses et tout recommencer
S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Nous ferions de ce rêve un monde
S'il suffisait d'aimer

S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Si l'on changeait les choses un peu, rien qu'en aimant donner
S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Je ferais de ce monde un rêve, une éternité

Merci encore une autre fois pour faire des dernieres jours, les premieres du reste de ma vie.

(extracts from S'il suffisait d'aimer by Celine Dion)

Is love hidden?No,not really.It's around,closer than you think

The worst nightmare is the one when you feel like losing your ability to trust and to give it again to anyone.
And right when you think you could just forget it and maybe hope for it in another life, a pair of blue eyes come to show you that life can be tricky and rewarding.
Je voulais juste te dire merci pour me faire arreter a pleurer, pour me faire sourire, pour me donner des espoirs une bonne fois.
Merci, mes yeux bleus, pour etre "Lajoie" de ma vie.

Je me souviens

This is what is written in all license plates here in Quebec...Je me souviens...which means "I remember"...
When driving here and in traffic jams, you are forced to see this message on and on....
Then, driving these days I found myself forced to think about this phrase.
I remember....
I remember my family, I remember when I was a kid playing around with my friends with my Hot Wheels...I remember my first day in school, I remember my first kiss, when I fell in love for the first time, I remember when the university accepted me, when I made love for the first time, I remember when I got married, I remember when I saw my kids for the first time and finally saw myself as a man.
I remember when I lost everything but my hope and the ones I love.
I remember when I overcame all this.
I remember who I am.
Je me souviens...
That's what stays after you, after you're gone, the rememberance.
Our lives are made of these memories, some good, some bad.
And then I realized: We shouldn't forget, but we should always be able to forgive.

Reboot?How?

After all, love fades away, relationships die, people die, computers crash. All we can do is breathe and reboot.
Because in life, there is no ctrl-alt-del.

Trusting again

You may find yourself questioning who you can trust, including your own judgment since you may not have expected the break-up. You may wonder if you were wrong to have trusted your partner. You may begin to question how real your relationship was because if it was real how could it be over?

Your ability to trust may feel shaky. You probably trusted your partner, and expected your relationship to last. You may feel alone and abandoned.

While it takes time, you can re-build trust in yourself and others again. Even though this relationship is over that doesn't mean that you were wrong to trust her/him, and even if you were that doesn't mean that you'll make that mistake again. You can learn from this.

But where else to look for trust if your eyes were telling me love was there?

The bad guy, the good guy

Maybe it's maturity or the wisdom that comes with age, but the witch in Hansel and Gretel-she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it.
Playing the bad guy role and the good guy role sometimes may be overwhelming.
Are we really supposed to have a role?
Or are we holding us masks forever and ever in this big ball called life?
Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be.
Can you get to your future if your past is present?
Maybe yes, so maybe our masks can help us again and when you least expect it, they become part of your skin, because maybe you are nothing more than a mask support.
Just re-boot and go and read another fairy tale.
Let the witch kill the boys and be happy with a nice and beautiful Prince in her nice candy loft in Old Montreal.

Rollerblading

Yesterday my willingness to try something new threw me out of my routine to the rollerblading experience.
I was amazed to see how easy it is.No falls,at all.
Today I remembered my yesterday's experience when I tried to go out of my bed and my legs wanted to stay there.
Anyways...I have some tips for you,if you ever consider rollerblading:
Do not rollerblade close to your mom,she is gonna freak out,saying that you're gonna fall,break your head to pieces and all those things they say all the time,you know,you won't need that to start.
Do not rollerblade close to kids, they will laugh at you, that may not be quite motivating.
Do not smoke while rollerskating, it may be charming but you will forget you are holding the cigarette and will look even more ridiculous.
Last but not least, do not rollerblade with nice loose shorts, you'll be in trouble to manage to look kiddy and keep your shorts up as you skate, believe me it's lots of hard work...With skates...you look kiddy enough..enough for a kid give you tips and call you "pal".I skated yesterday and was a 10 years old kid's "pal".
Buy a pair for you, and just feel the wind, and you may prove some gravity.
I didn't fall yesterday, for in my last fall I decided to stand up and never let myself fall again. Because you fall when you don't trust yourself.
Smile, stand up and just roll....

Who's around?Ooops, a friend!

Yesterday I had to have a friend shaking my wrecked brains to make me see the obvious and realize what in fact my life is made of.
Sometimes it takes a friend to help you out to wake up and smell the coffee.
My life is full of blessings..not mistakes.
I have to stay focused and fight for what I believe.
I believe in me, I believe in my ability to stand up and re-start from zero.
I know the difference between lies and truth.
I know the difference between good and bad.
I know the difference between fucking and making love.
I know myself enough to know how far I can get and what I can achieve when I'm focused.
Thank you my friend for opening my eyes to the obvious.

To fake or not to fake, that's the question

Wax fruits are coming from my trees,
I cry when I feel like laughing,
my sweetest dreams are nightmares,
I fake my smile,
I fake my appetite,
I fake my libido,
I fake my love.

Before believing this is true, I'd better off fake my understanding on how true love could have become nothing.
Or I should fake my belief that love cannot do everything.
Why is it so easier to people to fake it instead of face it?

Just a tale, there is no need to think it was a fairy one...

Later that day I got to thinking about fairy tales. What if Prince Charming had never shown up? Would Snow White have laid in that glass box forever? Or would she have gotten up, spit out the apple, gotten a job and a health care plan and moved on with her life?

Carrie Bradshaw - Sex and The City

Freaks?

Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us and understand us and kiss our three heads and make it all better?

I feel fine and I feel good

This tells so much about my feelings these days...
cause every time I think of you
I feel a shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
and there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?
Maybe we were not what we thought...

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Just would love to hear from you what we were meant to be.
Cause we are gonna be together forever, it is just a matter to fit you differently in my life, as a friend that lives in my heart and my sweetest memories.

(extracts from Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order)

Un si peu de moi

Y'est temps de retourner dans le rang
Le ptit coeur en plan
La vraie vie de l'autre bord
Je l'aime ben trop fort
Et malgré tous les remords
Malgré les détours bizarres
Je garderai ton sourire quequ'part
Ça sert plus à rien de se voir

(extracts from Vincent Vallières, Un quart de piasse)

Merry-go-round

My ex-wife and I are considering trying getting back together again after four years of divorce. However, although we're more mature now, I'm still concerned that we'll fall back into the same damaging habits that ended the first marriage. How can we make this new commitment work?

Much more than effectively considering getting back, this raised a lot of thoughts in my wrecked brains.

While it's tempting to try to resurrect love after it goes all wrong, you've got a lot of work ahead of you, since second efforts don't often work out as the partners would hope. And there's a reason: Couples rarely pour more than a few weak drops of sweat into self-examination and the hard work of renewing a bond, which ensures that the same dynamics that caused the wreckage the first time will arise again. If we're betting on a happier ending, we can't rerun your old dramas. Instead, we'll have to be painfully honest with each other by dropping our defenses and fighting the urge to assign blame for past or current indiscretions.

Of course, we weren't able to manage those tricks before our divorce, so what makes us think you can do it now? That's not a rhetorical question--and neither are the five listed below. Me and my ex should consider them seriously, write down our answers, then share prejudice or defensiveness:

* Which of my actions and personality traits contributed to the difficulties in my marriage?

* What unrealistic expectations kept me from seeing and hearing my partner clearly?

* Which attributes do I need to cultivate to make this new relationship a success?

* What behaviors do I need to change to become a better partner?

* What strategies do I need to acquire to make those changes?

The final question is: Is that all about me? Should I get back to my ex-wife or someone else I had before?Or should I never consider getting back to anyone?If the world turns to the same point everyday, are we turning back in time unconciously and re-living the same mistakes over and over, because after all, the Moon is the same up there in the sky at night, no matter what you change down here....

Save Ferris!

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it. ~From the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off

My blues...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message Love is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

It was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


W.H.Auden - extracts from Funeral Blues

Proud to be....

Born,beloved....
Resisting to pneumonia when 3
two sisters when 6
learning to be a man when 9
three languages when 10
effectively a man when 11
fell in love when 13
college when 17
a love a week when 18
huge responsibilities when 21
engineer when 22
manager when 26
husband when 28
father when 29
unhappy husband when 30
father for the second time when 32
separated when 33
true love when 34
broke when 35
canadian when 36
true love lost when 37
always proud to be myself
but innocent and stupid all the way...

Politique toujours...

« […] deux grandes traditions qui malheureusement ont marqué trop d’années de l’histoire de la province de Québec : premièrement le mépris le plus complet pour l’intelligence du citoyen qu’on considére comme une simple marchandise électorale et, deuxièmement, la servilité d’un parti de rois-négres qui sont en fait les valets de chambre de certains gros intérêts, surtout les plus rapaces, qui, eux aussi, méprisent la population comme une espèce de tribu arriérée qui est faite pour être exploitée à loisir. » - Rene Levesque

Vive le Québec!

Forever?

In your eyes I can still see
the look of the one who really loves me
I can still feel the way that you want me
The one who wouldn't put anything
else in the world above me
I can still see love for me in your eyes
And there ain't no way
lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way
and there ain't no how
I'll never see that day....

God,would you please help me find a way to release it?Why there's no forever for something that stays forever?

(extracts from Forever and For Always - Shania Twain)

Egg-Chicken

They say life brings you maturity through experience.
What is this maturity supposed to be?
Risk less, think more, enjoy less, fear more?
No idea.
Life is tricky and sometimes you can find yourself like in a carrousel where you can't seem to jump off because sometimes the "deja vus" of this same life can be overwhelming.
Sex became the viable option for fun when love is so hard to find or believe in.
For me sex always came after love.
But what is the use of being romantic if life is a bitch?
Maybe it is time to slut it up and be somehow happier.
Less expectations, less frustrations.
What a freaky thought.
Life is scaring me each day a litlle bit more.
I scare myself.
Should I settle for all this I never believed in or will someone show up and show me love can be there the way I dreamed of?Forever?
Or at least until the next post, or the morning after?

Hard to believe...

Once I read something saying that love happens twice in your life...
Hard to understand and see when love is there.
What to do when noticing only when it's gone?
What is there to learn after all?
Are we here to go thru love like that?
Are we assuming love is there where it never showed up, just for the sake of not feeling sorry for living a loveless life?
Are we believing too much?
Twice?

Non sense in all senses

A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of home I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of my boys, Kevin and Ian.Love you guys...

Let it go

Smile like you mean it
And let yourself let go
Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in
I tried to live alone
But lonely is lonely, alone
So human as I am
I had to give up my defences
So I smiled and tried to mean it
To let myself let go

(extracts from Any Other World,Mika)

I could be brown...

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?

I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Walk out the door!

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
But you only want what everybody else says you should want

(Grace Kelly by Mika)

Reboot

After all, love fades away, relationships die, people die, computers crash. All we can do is breathe and reboot.
Because in life, there is no ctrl-alt-del.

Segredos

Eu procuro um amor
que ainda não encontrei
diferente de todos que amei

Nos seus olhos quero descobrir
uma razão para viver
e as feridas dessa vida
eu quero esquecer

Pode ser que eu te encontre
numa fila de cinema
numa esquina ou numa mesa de bar

Procuro um amor
que seja bom pra mim
vou procurar, eu vou até o fim

E eu vou te tratar bem
pra que voce não tenha medo
quando começar a conhecer
os meus segredos

Eu procuro um amor
uma razão para viver
e as feridas dessa vida
eu quero esquecer

Pode ser que eu gagueje
sem saber o que falar
mas eu disfarço
e não saio sem voce de lá

Procuro um amor
que seja bom pra mim
vou procurar, eu vou até o fim

(musica de Barao Vermelho)

Drowned World

I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly a game
Some things cannot be bought

I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for more
I suffered fools so gladly

And now I find
I've changed my mind

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you?
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone

I had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt so happy

Famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one-night stand, no far-off land
No fire that I can spark

Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion

Future lovers hide love inside their eyes II

Not controlled by time
Future lovers shine for eternity
In a world that's free
Put away your past
Love will never last
If you're holding on to a dream that's gone

Line of thought

When I look around, it would be childish of me to deny that my life isn't changing. But for this night, just a coffee can show lots of stuff, for those who can see. That's the thing about really good moments and a really great Montreal.

X

Last night I got to thinking about the x-factor. In mathmatics, we learn that x stands for the unknown, a+b=x, but what's really unknown is what plus what equals friendship with an x. Is this an unsolvable equation? Or is it possible to transform a once passionate love into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I couldn't help but wonder... can you be friends with an x?
Surely...I made friends with most of my xs.
Just don't think people are disposable.
But, anyone in your life should be a plus.
If you+x < you-x then you should review the algorithm of this friendship...

The door

I've done the merry-go-round. I've been through the revolving doors. I feel like I've met somebody I can stand still with for a minute. And don't you want to stand still with me?

Afraid of the dark....

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?
No idea...anyone?

What is to be found?

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.
Unconditional love may be harmful, maybe that's why everybody is so concerned of their own needs and beliefs. Those beliefs may turn a love story into a freaky nightmare.
When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...

"Lajoie" et la Tristesse

Notre joie est notre tristesse sans masque.
Et le même puits d’où jaillit notre rire a souvent été rempli de nos larmes.
Comment en serait-il autrement ?

Plus profonde est l’entaille découpée en nous par notre tristesse, plus grande est la joie que nous pouvons abriter.

La coupe qui contient notre vin n’est-elle pas celle que le potier flambait dans son four ?

Le luth qui console notre esprit n’est-il pas du même bois que celui creusé par les couteaux ?

Lorsque vous êtes joyeux, sondez votre coeur, et vous découvrirez que ce qui vous donne de la joie n’est autre que ce qui causait votre tristesse.

Lorsque vous êtes triste, examinez de nouveau votre coeur. Vous verrez qu’en vérité vous pleurez sur ce qui fit vos délices.

Certains parmi vous disent : La joie est plus grande que la tristesse", et d’autres disent : "Non, c’est la tristesse qui est la plus grande".

Moi je vous dis qu’elles sont inséparables.

Elles viennent ensemble, et si l’une est assise avec vous, à votre table, rappelez-vous que l’autre est endormie sur votre lit.

En vérité, vous êtes suspendus, telle une balance, entre votre tristesse et votre joie.

Il vous faut être vides pour rester immobiles et en équilibre.

Lorsque le gardien du trésor vous soulève pour peser son or et son argent dans les plateaux, votre joie et votre tristesse s’élèvent ou retombent.

Merci mon petit Lajoie pour me montrer q'il y a beaucoup de choses a trouver que ma tristesse.

Define trust

Sometimes life tells us more than we can understand.
Sometimes understanding is not something you can have easily or assume people would have it for the things you've done or the way you've done things.
My grandma used to say that there is no use of being honest if you don't look honest.
Not important to feel like you're honest enough but that people see you as honest as your heart beats.
Hard to trust someone,hard to trust anyone when the impression is what it counts.
What would it take for me to be able to define trust?

Return to Innocence

Don't be afraid to be weak
don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Beyond the invisible

I look into the mirror and see myself, I'm over me
I need space for my desires
Have to dive into my fantasies
I know as soon as I'll arrive
Everything is possible
Cause no one has to hide
Beyond the invisible
Close your eyes
Just feel and realize
It is real and not a dream
I'm in you and you're in me
It is time
To break the chains of life
If you follow you will see
What's beyond reality

Living in an island

Born in an island,raised in an island...living in an island now.
Despite the fact that there are over 2 million people on the island of Montreal, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine.
Feeling like in an island, nevertheless, may be optional.

Je me souviens

This is what is written in all license plates here in Quebec...Je me souviens...which means "I remember"...
When driving here and in traffic jams, you are forced to see this message on and on....
Then, driving these days I found myself forced to think about this phrase.
I remember....
I remember my family, I remember when I was a kid playing around with my friends with my Hot Wheels...I remember my first day in school, I remember my first kiss, when I fell in love for the first time, I remember when the university accepted me, when I made love for the first time, I remember when I got married, I remember when I saw my kids for the first time and finally saw myself as a man.
I remember when I lost everything but my hope and the ones I love.
I remember when I overcame all this.
I remember who I am.
Je me souviens...
That's what stays after you, after you're gone, the rememberance.
Our lives are made of these memories, some good, some bad.
And then I realized: We shouldn't forget, but we should always be able to forgive.

Cherish is the word I'll use to remind me of your love

I turn the page and
I dream of silent verses where the rhyme
glides noiseless as an oar.
The heavy musty air, the black desks,
The bent heads and the rustling noises
In the great dome
Vanish...
And
The sun hangs in the cobalt-blue sky,
The boat drifts over the lake shallows,
The fishes skim like umber shades through the undulating weeds,
The oleanders drop their rosy petals on the lawns,
And the swallows dive and swirl and whistle
About the cleft battlements of your pride's castle....

Life...oh life

If you think back and replay your life, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider it wasted.

Future lovers hide love inside their eyes

As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a guy will find himself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess he has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going...
So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many mistakes.

Sorry!My mistake!

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart.
Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

The question within

Well,the first question is the language to post here. Most people I love speak portuguese, the language I love and live in immersion is french and the so-called universal language is english.
So, let's keep it the way it comes out of my mind.
This blog is intended to be a kind of confession corner, since the quiet silence and loneliness haunting me sometimes here can be noisy enough to keep me from expressing what I feel.
Feels like I'm turning into someone else, not myself, to the point of not being recognized for the ones I love the most.
That's why I am here, to express the real "me".